So you've got a PhD from Google Medical School, and spend your nights diagnosing that weird twinge in your left little toe? Amateur. If you're going to convince yourself you're dying, at least do it right!
Real health anxiety specialists know that every single bodily sensation is suspicious. That stomach gurgle? Could be digestion... but it's probably your organs plotting a rebellion. That eye twitch? Definitely not tiredness... clearly your brain trying to escape through your eye socket Let's be honest - you're probably not e en doing catastrophising right. Have you:
Named all your symptoms? (if you're living with them, they deserve proper names)
Created elaborate backstories for each mysterious pain?
Memorised enough medical terminology to confuse junior doctors?
Practiced your "I'm totally fine but also dying" face in the mirror?
Your body is probably getting pretty tired of your constant surveillance. It's like having an over-enthusiastic security guard who tackles every shadow and demands ID from your own organs. At some point, even your symptoms are going to need therapy.
The truly dedicated health worrier knows that every sensation must be investigated thoroughly, preferably at 3AM when all the best medical research happens. And if that first Google search doesn't confirm your worst fears, well, you're clearly not using the right search terms. Keep going until you find a website that agrees with your diagnosis of "definitely fatal everything".
Of course, there's always the nuclear option - you could try actually listening to your body instead of practicing to be Patient of the Week on House M.D. But where's the fun in that? Much better to spend another night cataloging every single twitch while WebMD convinced you that your hiccups are actually alien implants (each page is reviewed by a doctor, you know!) Your body has somehow managed to keep you alive this whole time without your constant monitoring. It's been successful digesting food, pumping blood, and growing hair (even if you're balding, it's growing in... other places) while you were busy convincing yourself that slight itch was something exotic and terminal. But hey, don't let that stop you. Keep going! Maybe print out some medical certificates to hang on your wall - "Graduated Suma Cum Laude from WebMD University" has a nice ring to it. Though fair warning - at some point your body might just get fed up and send you a cease and desist letter for harassment. After all, what's really more likely - that your body is secretly planning your demise, or that your'e driving yourself (and everyone else around you) slightly mad with worry? Don't answer that - it might distract you from your next symptom-checking session.
(Obviously - if you've got something genuinely concerning you, get it checked out by a real medical professional. And if health anxiety is seriously impacting your life, talk to your GP or a mental health professional (hello). This blog post won't cure your health anxiety, but hopefully it made you smile while you were checking your pulse for the fifteenth time today.)
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